Fear Of The Heights

{Author's Note: *sigh*  Wow - it's been so long since I've done this, and my bed-time is now so early that I'm exhausted already, and I wasn't able to finish this.  That's terribly frustrating to me!  I really do want to finish these thoughts... I guess I will later - hopefully tomorrow.  Just fair warning - it is a work in progress.  Just like me. :)}

(Just returned home from a very inspiring prayer meeting - and it is from that beloved time with fellow brothers and sisters discussing how God is moving that I write my current reflections.)

I have been asked the question before several times.  "Are you afraid of heights?"  "No, not at all."  I will readily reply.  "In fact, since I was a little girl, I've always dreamed of flying."  (I am, however, frightfully afraid of heights and water put together - waterfalls for example :p But that's another matter entirely.)  And I think of my amazing pet guinea pig too, Kobi.  Kobi has an incredibly strong personality, amazing in a creature so small.  He is VERY articulate about letting us know when he needs something and will loudly 'wheek' and run around his cage until we give it to him.  He even rings the little bell in his cage to let us know that he is out of hay.  And so, as one might expect, when Kobi wants attention, Kobi lets us know by standing against the side of his cage and 'wheeking' as loudly as he possibly can.  However, when we go to pick him up, he will very often jump in fright and scramble madly as we lift him up.  He wants (and needs) the love and attention, but he hates the process of getting there to our loving arms.  Is my piggy afraid of heights too?  

Well, tonight at the prayer meeting, we talked about the Israelites being in the desert, and some inmates being in prison, and how sometimes the 'desert' (whatever form that might take for each of us) is exactly where we need to be.  And while we may need to walk through that desert to get there, it may be an invitation from God for us to walk forward through that desert and then enter into a better place.  My mind, as always, is trying to put the pieces together.  A few years ago, after a very sweet 'rest' period and a time of healing (from the painful consequences of past mistakes), I actually braved the prayer, "God... please change me.  Change my life and my heart to where You have always planned for it to be.  Make me the person You want me to be."  And I identified all kinds of personal goals that I wanted to meet to achieve God's will and give me an idea of what I might want that life-change to look like - which is sort of a laughable method of discerning God's will anyway.  God responded... with the desert.  Within a few weeks of that prayer, I had lost a mentor (who was a strong presence in my life), my job (the longest I'd ever been with) and my only source of income aside from a small monthly child support allowance.  And almost instantly, my life was in transition mode, another word for 'the desert'.  Transition/the desert has now stretched into a period of several years.  And all the while I have found myself inwardly scrambling and worrying and wondering what in the world God is doing.  You see, I DO want the goal, the lofty height of finding the life God has planned for me, and I know someday I'll be happy and safe there, but I'm terribly afraid of the journey.  

One of the main goals that I had set was to stop allowing my past to control who I am today and influence the decisions I make and how I live.  Still, I CONSTANTLY struggle with that, and I guess to be fair with myself, that may be because there's A LOT of muck for me to slog through on that back path.   But as I've been trying to put that completely behind me and trudge through this desert, I've also been very blessed to have some amazing people walk with me and offer a hand, sometimes several, and to have discovered some gifts that I have that I didn't know about, and for God to start putting all these little pieces together for me to give me a tiny glimpse of what may lie ahead in that 'better place'.  I do have some idea in my head of what I think 'the good purposeful Godly life' will look like, but I need to remember too that what I have in mind may pale in comparison to what God has in store.  There are things that I must keep repeating to myself over, and over, and over, and over again.  Yes, He does have a very powerful plan for my life, yes He will continue to work on me towards that goal, yes I am smart and talented and loving, yes He has given me good gifts and a lot of love to share, and YES, He WILL continue to take care of my son, even when I can't in my own strength.  So why the constant concern?  After all, I did ASK for the change, just as the Israelites prayed for over 400 YEARS for their deliverance.  But like the Israelites, as God begins the process of deliverance, as He walks me through the desert, I begin to complain and focus solely on the prize instead of resting and learning in the journey.  The desert is what makes the promised land so precious in the end.

I recall to mind a moment in time - about 10 years ago - when I was walking through the first devastating mile of a different desert.  It was just after my break-up with my son's father and while I won't go into all of the details and circumstances here, it was so far the most difficult period of my life.  I was just coming back from my prodigal journey and clinging desperately to God begging Him to bring my son and I out of the horrible situation we were in.  I lay in bed one night crying myself to sleep and pouring out my anguish to God.  And, quite distinctly, with that inner ear only God can tap in us, I heard Him say,  "Stop struggling in my hands.  Let me carry you."