Thursday, March 14, 2013

Frustration & Forgiveness

Strange the way God works... Now i know someone else that was cut off, someone cared for and who cared about him.  someone who also has been going through the same pain and thus understands it... A while ago, I would have been, if not happy, then relieved to talk to that person.  But in spite of all things, even in spite of the continued pain, in spite of myself, I find now that when I have the chance, I want to talk about forgiveness instead of frustration (already done that anyway), love instead of anger, regret instead of resentment, healing instead of hurt...

Yes, it happened.  Yes, it hurt like hell.  Still does.  But I think that quote, 'The ones we love most wound us the most deeply.' goes both ways.  The ones we love the most DO wound us the most deeply.  But because we do love them so much, we have to be willing to forgive them, and sometimes, even to let go...  If we can't forgive our brothers (those we love), how can we possibly forgive and love our enemies as Jesus commanded?  Gives a whole new meaning to the verses where Jesus talks about 'loving our enemies, praying for those that curse us, etc., etc.'  That's HARD.  But yet we continue to struggle with loving and wishing those well who we HAVE loved and who wish us well because they've hurt us so deeply.  How deeply do we hurt Jesus when we ignore Him, don't make time for Him, put everything else in our lives before Him.  How He was abandoned by His Father, and how deeply He knows what that feels like... To one who gave everything to us, we can't even deign to forgive those that matter to us....

Not coming out quite the way I want it to, but... HOW am I going to express this to this guy without sounding...  *grimace due to context* preachy?  Or presumptuous?  Still, he understand the pain... he should understand forgiveness.... All we like sheep...I put my foot in God... Please clear the path back...

Friday, March 8, 2013

Scattered To The Wind

Notes:  I feel kind of lost at the moment, unsure of why I am feeling this way, but wanting to somehow get it out of me and express it, if only to clarify it more for myself.  So, random thoughts put together...




I feel like I waited a life-time
To find a family
Not be an orphan anymore
I found them...
And then lost them...
Now home is no longer home
My face is no longer my face

I had a dream for my son to belong
To share a family
To know what this meant
For him not to know what abandonment felt like
To know what a father was
To watch Godly men so he knew how to become one
To know laughter again...
And believe in his dreams...

Home has changed its clothes
Become something new
Barely resembles what it began as
And once again, we are lost
Have nowhere to belong

Yet... some pieces remain...
Precious jewels
Wiser for their wear
And me... if not wiser, more jaded now somehow

Some drift about like falling autumn leaves
Changing for good
But changing forever
Somehow losing touch with what was
Losing touch with a friendship, a family member
That we had relied on

Is it enough to say that things change?
 Life changes?
It winds around its broken circle
People falling to the way-side like scattered seeds
On a rippling pond?

Such is life
Such is normal
Such is.... loss...


Such a fragile hold you keep on forever
When forever cannot remain
Building hope on what is real
When real doesn't stay the same
It changes identities
Changes faces in the wind
Scatters memories like broken confetti
Set to drift lost in the wind






I cannot believe in forever
For there was never solid ground beneath my feet
Yet they tell me that forever exists...
Forever needs to stop dawdling about




Thursday, March 7, 2013

Living Ghosts

Note: I wouldn't assume.  You'd be wrong.  If anything, very old emotions from my childhood - sometimes they resurface. But I HATE it when the words don't come out right.... Just don't do it justice.  Scribbles on a page...
I hate myself for caring
For ripping wounds forever open
That should have closed long ago
For caring about nothing
That never happened
Never existed

I try to kill the pain
The memory
But instead resurrect it yet again
All that never happened is a living ghost
A demon that haunts my dreams
Though I lie to myself as I speak

You were always a ghost
Someone I deserved and yet didn't
You are beyond my reach
And were before we'd ever met

You were never real
The lie I tell myself to shield my heart from the cruelty
No one saw your face through my eyes
No one heard your voice through my ears
Dreams can die, but are not forgotten

You have a name, but it is not spoken
A fairy-tale that can kill the soul
Release the beast instead of conquer it

* * *

I am a trigger for my own anger
As well as all around me
Who lash out at the pain.
They do not see a person
They see the emotion they must fight.
A part of everything and part of nothing
What identity is left when they've all taken their bites
Beat out their own judgment?
I am pinned to the wall between myself
And a self-avenging army 

Those who know see the sweetness
But knowing nothing of the rage
See the frantic expression
But not the desperation
See the forgiveness
But not the resentment

Who are any of us
Without the emotions that drive us?
*  *  *


Lost in a shapeless shadow
Cast so long ago
Stained by another that is ill-fitted
Resembling even less of the truth.
Hidden by a label I did not earn
Have spent my life trying to tear off
Exercise in the utter futility of my every effort

They kill with brutal subtlety
Words, not weapons
Good intentions are their preferred poison
To alleviate their own guilt.
They - we ALL kill how we were taught
Or succumbed long ago
God forgot to take me.
*  *  *
How much longer am I expected to endure?
How long must I linger?
My bones ache
The core of me still bleeds out red

I bleed as I was taught to bleed
And still fear the chastisement for presumed rebellion

Rebellion to us was emotion that spilled over
Without a decipherable voice
You pushed me towards it
Not warned me away

Don't hate me for how YOU define me
You love the lie and hate the "liar"
*  *  *
Ill-fated to walk this twilit road
Seeing, but not knowing
Knowing, but not clearly
Understanding much, knowing little
A sentinel scarecrow who knows the fields so well
And knows nothing of the harvest

Monday, March 4, 2013

Ghostly

Curling into your skin
Hiding away from yourself
And from life
Like a flower pulling petals over its face
To Hide from the moon
The moon a phantom rose
Blooming in the darkness
Take a seed from Persephone's flower
To create your own hell
For a day, for forever
A plump ripe seed for the planting
Harvesting only bitter fruits
Making a choice wine only for the lonely tasting






Lost wanderer beneath the stars
Scattered pieces of moonlight glistening far above
Look down coldly at the walker below

Fell down on your face again
Looked up at lost
Scanned the horizons of alone
Pale against your shattered sky
A dawn of slow goodbyes

Your hand moves in aimless circles
Over a blank page of white
Staring back at you the mirror of your soul
Blank, devoid of color, no pen-stroke slanting the delicate folds
Of potential, of forward motion, of action or success
The masterpiece has melted gradually
Faded into the farthest corner of an immense room
So your hand wanders aimlessly to capture a picture in words
That are in some unknown language that has no voice, just a cry
No song, just a whimper

Purple shadows against the sun
Bruise the brilliancy that once was so vibrant
Turn the vital into faltering beats
Against a thin, fabric sky

What was once
What has ceased to be
What lurks behind ghostly corner
A wraith of self
A denial of the hope that called you hither


A hand that once touched and felt
As deeply as a summer sea
Ached like a thin branch in the cold
Now fading... fading... vaporous... ceasing to be
An ocean of nothingness to encase the deep of a bottomless well