Restless Sleep

I've seen the sunset of so many days
Moments without count
Heartbeats too strong and frantic for one so young
Their drum-beat shakes the very timbers of my bones
Like a house of cards I tremble
An ill put-together skeleton of emotions
My spirit feels toughened, yet somehow always weak
 
Memories glow a tinseled halo...echoes back visions of grace...

Golden fields silhouette a sky of indeterminate hue
Roses dipped in honey, lavender light brushed behind
Olive tint of heather fanning like phantom leaf of ancient flower
Sleepiness drugs the weary mind
Calms the frantic pace of day
Settles the racing drum in desperate breast

Midnight casts its crimson-black shadow
And quickens its pace to the haunting stench of fear
Regret and shame twine together and move in some macabre, yet graceful dance
Through the laughter of repose, indignant I stir at nightmares taunting laughter
My body remains still, but my heart decays like a late-blooming flower
Fallen, fallen petals in the autumn wind
Night take your refuge, break the shackles of mighty reality's sullen glow

Dawn ride swiftly on your arcing twilight path
Brighten the shadows tainted by the past
Clear memories stain from steadily lightening skies
Leave me to my quieting slumber
For at least a few hours more...

Where Would I Be....?

Me: God, a few years ago, I asked You for change.  You didn't mess around.... Some things have changed so much now that they're scarcely recognizable.

God: "Where would you be without Me?"

Me: And then, there are other things that when I look around me, don't seem to have changed at all.... The same bad habits, same chaos, same weaknesses...

God: Where would you be without Me?

Me: People come and go.  Time around me changes.  Seasons change, but are the same as they've always been before.  The same basic worries sit with me.

God: Where would you be without Me?

Me: I AM out of the place that I wanted to get out of, though not perhaps in the manner I had planned.  My plans don't seem to matter for much. :)

God: Where would you be without Me?

Me: You did get me out of that place.... In some ways, though this new(er) place is stressful, it still feels calmer than before, stuck in one place with no end to the assault.

God: Where would you be without Me?

Me: So much has been lost... friendships, job security, Briton's childhood, years where I could still call myself 'young'.  Pride.  Life as it once was.  Home as it once was.

God: Where would you be without Me?

Me: Much has been gained.  New depths of other relationships... hopefully a little grain of faith, a new hobby, a teenage son. : ) Hope for something different in my 'career'.

God: Where would you be without Me?

Me:  I... don't like to even think about where I'd be without You.... Taking just the past few years, I'd probably still be in the hospital, or gone entirely...  Still just a shadow of mis-directed adoration.... Still naive and immature in how deep human nature goes, even in the most elevated of positions...  Still ignorant to how deep Your mercy goes, how tenderly You care for me and for those I love.  Still ignorant to how every plan of Yours comes through and the pieces connect perfectly in place, even when we can't even see the playing board...

Different place, different relationships, different situations... Same God.  Same sense of belonging to You.  Same awe at Your love, greater than any circumstance, any length of time, any change no matter how drastic.  Still the same Father....

God: Where would you be without Me?

Uncertain

I don't know about tomorrow

I'm not even sure of today

Once I thought I knew where we were going

Knew what You had to say for sure

Looking back the road is long

So many things I hadn't planned

Still somehow we are here

We are somewhere unfamiliar

Wait

My brain screams 'Move!'

You whisper, 'Wait.'

The world around me cries, 'Hurry!'

You whisper, 'Wait.'

My mind moves in a million different directions

Concerns swirl like a whirlwind

They assault me at every turn

You whisper, 'Wait.'

'Be still, my soul, be still.'

Stains On Time's Fabric

For every lie that was ever told

I am the liar

Every betrayal committed

I am the betrayer

For every child that grows up right

I am the one that went wrong

For every wound ever created

I am the salt and the blade that slices

For every good dream

I am the nightmare

For every life full of potential

I am the disappointment

For everyone pressed by the weight of the world

I am the encircling chains

To those who would look on me and smile

They look at me and weep

Metal working metal

Stone against stone

Friction between grinding stone

Parts of me may be hollowed out

Torn from the route and broken

But parts of you do the same

Why were we made as rough, unworked symetry?

Why so rough-hewn for our wear?

Tied down to the very alters we ourselves build?

Iron can blunt iron for use

But sharpen it for war

A war of flesh against flesh

Spirit against spirit

Amidst the rain of self-deceipt

Hunter and hunted

Protector and defiler

We take the spoils of our entropic wars

Leave our own abandoned behind

Carcasses of what once we were

Donning new faces to characterize the new

Fine, fine are the beats of that elusive drum

Pounding somewhere far away, yet deep within

Smooth that allows our eyes repose

Yet throbs against the very nerves of our shame

Nerve and sinew

Vein and bone

Spirit and light

Darkness and shadow

Are we wraiths of ourselves

Or spirits made of light?

Bodies of senseless regret

Or beings of renewal and life?

There are times we cannot help but feel

We are the sodden tea at the bottom of a cup

The broken branches of a once-blossoming tree

The crackling remnants of once-vibrant leaves