It has been some time since I wrote anything resembling 'journaling' here on my Blog, but I find myself in strange spirits tonight. I had intended to do a post earlier in the year as the beginning of the year is always a time of reflection for me - for all of the obvious reasons as well as for more personal ones. But I didn't end up doing it. So maybe this is part of what that would have been.
The end of last year just before Christmas, I began to sense that this next year was going to be the ending of what I felt was a very long transition period and the beginning of a restoration of sorts. So far, my guess has proven true. I began a new career path, which while not going as perfectly as I can imagine, is still moving progressively (and somewhat quickly) in the right direction and promises to change things for us and restore - or perhaps ensure for the first time - financial stability. I soon hope to begin a course of study (or several) that will grow me spiritually and certainly enhance my Bible knowledge (thereby restoring some of the knowledge and passion I once had), my relationship with my mother has been in process of being restored in the past few years, and there's been many other things. During the process, my emotions have been up and down like a roller-coaster and as much as I've been trying not to ask too many questions, some questions still leak through, and sometimes I still complain. Isn't it like us, really, to ask God for things and then complain when He begins to grant them because His version doesn't look quite the same as ours? *face palm*
As I was reflecting this evening on my young life (0-18), I began to realize that of all the things God is either in the process of restoring or has granted me now that I did not have as a child, there is one glaring issue that He doesn't really seem to have touched. And I haven't figured out yet if that is because He's saying it isn't time yet, or if it's because it is something that He doesn't really mean for me to have again.... I look at the person that I was in high school... I was always the loner, the recluse, the observer but not participator in all but one thing. Somehow, despite all the insecurities and personality preferences, there was a young women back there who was still capable of standing up in front of groups on a regular basis and performing. In the small church I grew up in, when it came to finding someone for special music, they came to me. During family get-together's for entertainment, they came to me. (and my brother too to be fair, but by the time I was old enough to perform in that way he was already in college and beyond) When my school looked for someone who might possibly go far in district chorus (a competitive singing competition), they looked at me. When the Christian camp I grew up with needed someone to sing for a banquet or conference, they came to me. Shy - little - me.... It was a conundrum even then, I must say. Someone who usually refused to talk when there were more than a few people around (I am the same now) could still manage to go onstage and sing solo, and often... While it makes no sense to me, when I do find myself taking time for personal reflection and enjoyment to sing, it seems to open up a part of me that I usually keep locked up tight. If writing is cathartic and allows me to unburden myself of emotion, the singing is what fills me back up again with the healthy Spirit that didn't have room before.... and it allows me to see things that I could not otherwise see... So I guess --- where did THAT piece of girl go??
Exactly what all or any of that means, I have not decided yet... I suppose I just figured it might be wise to extricate the thoughts from the miasma of my mind and get them out.
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