Breaker & Healer

Author's note: I don't write songs much and I don't consider myself much of a song-writer - certainly not gifted in it, but when I do I try to break the sentence where there's a pause in the music or a note is held.  That's why it may look kind of funny.  This one I wrote this morning at church when Psalm 66:3-4 was read, so I guess its loosely based on that passage, though as I look at it there's a number of different Psalms it could pertain to...  Anyway, I - hope its at least encouraging. :)

On my knees

I'm bowing down before You

In my need

I lay myself bare

You have known

Every struggled I've faced

And every time I've fallen down

You've been there

Every tear that I've cried You've shared

In this storm

The rain falls down around me

In the sky

The lightning reaches out

And as the thunder rolls in me

I'm here on my knees

Begging for your mercy and peace

CHORUS

You are the God who placed the stars

Whose wise enough to break my heart

And put me back together again

You're strong enough to make the sea

Yet you calm the raging storm in me

Oh God

You're the breaker and healer of me

You perceive

When I sleep and when I rise up

And You know

Exactly what to say to my heart

You can see

Every wicked way in me

And You know

How far I have wandered from You

Lord I give

My soul and self up to You

And though the changing may break me

You'll wholly remake me

And walk me through the journey always

CHORUS

You are the God who placed the stars

Whose wise enough to break my heart

And put me back together again

You're strong enough to make the sea

Yet you calm the raging storm in me

Oh God

You're the breaker and healer of me

BRIDGE

You hold me together

Or I'd fly apart

You let me cry

But hold me until I fall asleep

Repeat CHORUS

You are the God who placed the stars

Whose wise enough to break my heart

And put me back together again

You're strong enough to make the sea

Yet you calm the raging storm in me

Oh God

You're the breaker and healer of me

God's Words

Author's Note:  Not much of one on this.  Last night, I was reminded of some things that God was saying to me just last week.  Confirmation is sweet.  And how very, very precious the words of Christ... Thought it might be encouraging if I posted it.

"I took Moses through the desert.  I took Elijah and John the Baptist.  Paul went through so many catastrophes he couldn't write them all.  I went through the desert myself... I went to be tested, to be refined, to strengthen my resolve, and eventually to be restored.  The desert was where I asked my questions of God, where the others did as well.  It was also where He answered us.  It took away all our earthly distractions, heightened our senses, stripped us bare of all but the essentials of physical life - but of spiritual life as well.  It forced us to look hard at ourselves and realize who we truly were; who we were in the world and also who we were in God's eyes.  I make pathways in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.  I make a way when there is no way.  It is with good reason that I gave you those passages in Isaiah for your favorites and presented them to you at a time when nothing was more true for you.  There is STILL nothing more true than this.  And nothing more true than that I love you, I will never leave you, and and I have an amazing purpose for you so grand your mind can't even imagine it.  I will not abandon you until the work I have begun is done.  'He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it in you.'  Trust in that.  Trust in Me.  I have walked down this road before, I would never set your feet to it if I had not seen it before and determined that you were strong enough to come out the other side.  And you will come out stronger on that other side, even as you have done before. 

Do not measure distance with your eyes.  Measure it with your heart and with your memories of my faithfulness.  This is just another page, the next phase of the journey.  Greatness measured by my standards has nothing to do with what the world's definition of greatness looks like.  You must keep your hope in Me, and define 'success' and 'greatness' in Me alone."

Note: Wow.  What did I do to deserve to hear these beautiful words from God?  Absolutely nothing.  'Generous' isn't nearly a strong enough word for Him.

Memory

Note: Written Mid-February

 

 

 

MEMORY

 

With the low roll of thunder

The waves curled and broke

Dark walls of shadows against the silver beach

Constantly rising and crumbling

Scattering their frothing pieces into the restless surf

 

The moon shone overhead bowing its great weary white head

The sky was a sea of stars reflecting in the waters movingn depths

The tide hissed against the sand like nervous whispers from a watching crowd

 

Where now woudl you go little slip of life?

You are the forgotten remnant of a dying dream

You wear a crown of disenchantment

Let the waters unburden your mind from what once was

Like the sun falling into the sky's ruby wings

So night will come before a new dawn

 

Rest rather than worry

Your weariness you've carried far too long

Golden days are past, but not ever gone

 

TIME

 

Tides shift on their gritty beds

Smoothing away yesterday's grief

Rhytmic and slow they sway

The pulse regular and deep

Never slow nor fast

Always and inexorable

 

Like the wind, ancient and full you scar the hills

Then brush them whole again

Your refining polish both harsh and free

 

You dull the wings of youth and raise it again to soar

New, alive, free

One age to the next, one moment to the last

The next of forever

 

Ageless, ageless your waking vigil

Ever longer, ever higher your shadow, your memory grows

Evermore both forgotten and cherished

Remembered and discarded, ceaseless thoughts of when and after

Forgive the morning for coming too soon

 



Mirrors

 

 

 

Eye to eye with you, My other self

The monster in the mirror who shares my face

Shadows of what you once were still fill my mind

And they fade... fade into part of who I am

Can't look in the mirror and not see

Reflections of you

 

I cannot be rid of you, never want to become you again

You taunt me, you  mock me

No longer real, but frightening enough because you once were

My own personal demon that used to be me

 

I see you, I know you for what you are, what you were

Though I wish I could forget

You cannot fathom me

But you reach out and pull me in

 

I will never become you again

An ill-fitting garment, an image of a different shape

A different maker

A stranger's face, a different pattern you would lay over you

The same, but different

Please God, not different but theh same.

 

You reduce me to less than what you are with a glance

At least you were committed to your escape run

But were you so certain of everything?

 

If you were right and I now wrong

Why am I the one standing on the other side

And you locked behind a glass door?

You were conquered before

And you always will be again

My Defender melted your walls of stone

And has promised they will never rise again

 

Oh for your vain, fickle dreams!

You may lure me, but I will never again be conquered!

He has replaced my brittle bones with iron

Iron melted over fire and re-forged

Changing - always - but stronger for refinement

And He will turn my mourning into dancing



Yet I will hope

Though You slay me, yet I will hope in You

Oh God!

What else can I do

But hope in You?

Though You may slay me, still I will hope in You

Before You my God I lay my heart

However broken it may be

I grieve for my shame

I cry for my mistakes

Never rising to the platform I have raised

To be near to You

This consuming ache feels too deep

Yet deeper still Your river flows

Though I bleed, Your blood was pure enough

To make the gold in these veins shine

Temporary is the word to describe this world

Pale in the light of mercy

Grace extending to even me, the very least of these

Though You slay me, yet I will hope in You

Oh God!

What else can I do

But hope in You?

Though You may slay me, still I will hope in You

To live is Christ, to die is gain

To live is holding hands with You in Spirit

To die is to see You with my waking eyes
You have told me
Though I die, yet shall I live
And live far more fully
Far more free

Should I erect my cross again

Heavier than I can bear

You look down, You see me, You know me

You walk that road again beside me

As I carry what I cannot bear alone

Though I pass through the fire

You take my burns

Though the waters rise and roar

And they tower over me

They are nothing You cannot calm

As this storm rages in me

Here in the shadow of Your wings

I will be safe

And I will listen to Your voice

Though I feel the sting of the sand on my face

The heat of the sun on my skin

Here in this desert land You are more near

Than when I stand on the mountains highest peak

As Daniel I stand at the lion's mouth

And I will not be moved

For You are here

And You are ever near

Though You slay me, yet I will hope in You

Oh God!

What else can I do

But hope in You?

Though You may slay me, still I will hope in You

What can men do to me?

They knock me down, and even the wisest among them fail

They may step on me

But You, Oh God, are near

You silence the cries of my enemies

You make the rain to wash my tears away

And you lift this shame away

Though they may slay me, yet I will hope in You

Oh God!

What else can I do

But hope in You?

Though all may slay me, still I will hope in You

For should I die I will awake

With the vision of Your face

And never feel this pain again

And if I live for one more day

I will live and breathe until You say

"Welcome home."

As lost as I may become

Stumbling on this darkened path

Your light is brighter than my sorrow

Your truth will break my fall

Your hands will lift me up again

As alone as it may feel

Standing in the midst of this indifferent crowd

You are ever beside me

The only voice I need to hear

The only arms I need to run to

The only one who understands and knows me as I am

Though You slay me, yet I will hope in You

Oh God!

What else can I do

But hope in You?

Though You may slay me, still I will hope in You

I stand as I am

A fearful child inside as I've always been

You are my perfect Father

And I your lowly child

Please help me to remember why You've brought me here

What You've carried me through

How far we have come before

This last and final door

I look up with eyes so full

To eyes that know me so well

I will wait for answers that may never come

But I will wait anyway

And though that may slay me

Yet will I hope in You

Forgive me for failing You

Forgive me for failing me

Thank you for forgiving me

For what I am and what I used to be

Promise me that what I was will keep fading away

Bring me ever closer to heaven's shores

Till then I'll wait behind these heavy doors

On my knees in this cold, dark room

I will choose to trust in You

Though my strength may fail

I will find strength in You

One day I'll soar on wings of eagles

Till then I'll dream of that first flight

Please don't forget the child in the corner

Who never deserves to leave

Who fears the light yet desperately needs its warmth

And longs for home again

Though You slay me, yet I will hope in You

Oh God!

What else can I do

But hope in You?

Though You may slay me, still I will hope in You

As weary days and moments roll

Across this span of time

I'll let my tired mind recall

All that You have done

Someday this will seem the start

Of a great and glorious day

The first day of tomorrow

The end of yesterday

Though my past may slay me

And all the world abhor me

Though I may be ground into ashes at Your feet

Oh God....

Though You slay me, yet I will hope in You

Oh God!

What else can I do

But hope in You?

Though You may slay me, still I will hope in You

The Child

Author's Note:  Not sure, just a reflection on my childhood self.

Where are you now

Little wandering child in the woods?

Your bread-crumbs have all run dry and been pecked up and eaten

The sated crows watch you and occasionally laugh from above

There is no pathway home

You'd wandered before for fun, in the unconscious hopes perhaps

Of being lost, but away from sorrow

Better alone and lost

Than at a place called home that felt nothing like

Place filled with uncertainties and pain

So you once thought...And now...

Where is the hearth fire that warms your soul

The liquid heat that steams in the cup?

Where are the arms that held you through the night?

Even there in that hollow, polarizing place they'd labeled for such

Safety was nowhere to be found

Security an idealized dream

But in that hollow, static placed, poorly-labeled and torn

There was familiarity

Normal as your young eyes saw it

Hope.  Dreams.  For there is no greater catalyst for dreaming

Than brokenness

As your shadow became longer, so fainter grew your hope

Till you realized that despair is the absence of hope

Hope is essential to dreaming

Though you searched the sky for help

It seemed that no help came

Clouds that passed by as the moment were merely vapor

The breeze that blew past by the day was simply the wind

But behind the wind, lay the breath

Behind the clouds lay the sun and the heavens

Eyes were watching, care was being taken

There was more than disregard

Placid were the waters that held your face

A reflection of what you might one day be

But turbulent were the waters in your bursting heart

Love that echoed, resounded, cried out for a return

Ripples, ripples in your the crystal image

A face you at once knew and could not fathom

Eyes that no one could gauge but everyone could read

A mystery to yourself, and you your only friend

But greater than you knew was your constant companion

Your faithful guide and friend

A Father to you, the fatherless as no one imagined, or dreamed, could be

His lap was the world, his smile the sky, His shoulders stood among the mountains

All that you dreamed and you could not dream big enough

To realize the Friend that you knew

What you believe in this life can change the life before

Truth now can dispel past lies

Clarity can bring peace to the confused, tormented soul

Who looks up to you for advice

Conversations

Note: I had a conversation with God Wednesday morning and while I won't post all of it here, I found that looking back through and picking out parts of it that are less specific is actually more helpful.  Some of it I think my friends might be happy to hear - at least the parts about the spiritual fascination.  I'm fighting off some sort of illness I think which has made me very tired, but I feel like I still should put something down here.  Actually, I'm beginning to wonder if my attempts to progress in several areas and the good fellowship with God and church family is WHY I'm feeling so weird...that unseen world fights back hard sometimes.  
I was honored to be at a prayer meeting that same night that God and I spoke and there were some very beautiful people there and lovely things that were said.  It was pretty cool.  I have been trying to be more vocal (as in, with my audible voice), but I'm not sure how well I'm succeeding.  Anyway, I'll put down a few thoughts beginning with the selected parts of my 'conversation'.  To me, writing can be a form of prayer and certainly was in this case.




Me: "Through the most recent chapter of my journey...You've been there."
"I should come to You always for intimate discourse."
"You are sovereign, patient, gracious, merciful, and really do have only the best for me in mind.  Please help me to remember that in days and years to come."

God:  "I think that what you were thinking about (earlier) was good and right.  You are not fascinated so much with the darkness of the supernatural as the supernatural world itself.  So in those times where the darkness seems more attractive to focus on, it should be a conscious decision on your part to turn your attention back to the 'light'.  Its not always a temptation...but be vigilant, alert, mindful of your thoughts and attentions...."

"I have a purpose for everything, even when you don't listen to me.... Neither you or anyone else has the power to derail my plan whatever the mistakes.  You give yourself too much power sometimes."

There was a quote that was given at the prayer meeting (several actually, but this was I found very special) that really touched me.  It's from Richard Foster.  "If we genuinely love people, we desire for them far more than it is within our power to give, and that will cause us to pray.  The inner sense of compassion is one of the clearest indications from the Lord that this is a prayer project for you."