Reserved

You look at me
And sigh through your eyes
While I cry through my smile
I tempt you to love
To care more deeply than your life allows
Not a love that is profane or impure
But a compassion that supersedes understanding
You tempt me
To hold on and not to lose hope that was lost long ago

Love is reserved for you
Only in the confines of those few
Fated to be with you for life
Dare we not intrude on the rest
Your heart only has room for so many
And shuts out all those who would draw near

So on the fringes we watch
As you vow to love more
While shutting out love that might have been
Shutting out what is no longer convenient
To love more what had been neglected before

Is it the fault of those who you took pity on
Those you allowed inside your heart
That you made us a family
And denied your own?

But now cast off and forgotten
A martyr to your over-achievement and ambition
To an empathy you could not deny
But can now forget

Denied Truth

What I once denied
Has now been made true
What I was believed
Has been proven a lie
And what am I to learn from that?
What value am I to take away
That does not also rob me of my sanity?

Was there a time of vain conceit
When all the ills of the world could not damage love?
When I could love so much that love would never falter
And could over-come it all?

Was it foolish naivety to believe that anything was worth believing
That anything was worth trusting
And then having that faith shattered, trust broken
And my heart once more shattered into pieces at my feet?

I am old enough to know better
Wiser than what I had become
Now stripped eve of my dignity
Made the fool and the rebellious child
Who could not help but cling to the hand of one
Who was not father
Could never be
Who played the role, while resenting it in their heart
Knowing, but not knowing
Caring, but not enough
Seeing, but not acknowledging
Hiding instead of sharing

Should I die for what was not real
Or live for what is?
While a part of me has been stolen and sanctimoniously put to death
Another part still lives and fights to be free
A part of me fights against the pain and resolves to never love again
Or if I love, not to trust
Never to trust...not again

If I could cut away the part of me that still cares so much for you
Perhaps then that would be easier
Though it would leave our past irrevocably dead
But easy to let go of
Not clinging to me like a many clawed spider-web
That tears and rips and shreds at my soul

Love is not something I can deny
Nor is it something I can forget
So love you I will, and care for you in the only way I know how
Though your eyes will not see it
Your ears will not hear it
And only one sweet future day will it be fully known

Friendship was proven a liar
But compassion could never be
Where conflict and compassion dwell torn
Endlessly battling on another battlefield
Than the one we both knew

There are lies in your smile now
That did not exist before
There is hurt in your kindness
Where there used to be comfort
There is a wall... where once there was hope...

Forgive me... forgive me Father
For I sin
I sin in hating myself for what I could not control
For who I could not be
For what I never was
For what I held onto so tightly that I forced it away

Finished

It is finished
It is done, You once said
I echo those words in my heart
With a deep pain, but perhaps not quite so selfless a motive
I've given up, I'm letting go
Of what I could never have held to the end
I place it back in Your arms
Because only then can healing begin

If I could paint a picture of how beautiful things might have been
It could never equal even a glimmer
Of what you have in store
What you have planned

Lord help me trust You
To daily let go of everything that I cannot live without
Everything I hold most dear
Because the time may come where those things are all gone
And there IS only You
And it is only when I relinquish control to You
That I can turn my eyes forward instead of looking back
And allow You to fully work
Instead of these slippery mountains
Fumbling helplessly in my hands.

Losing You

I don't want to lose you
I don't want to let go
But your smile is acid
Your eyes are fire
That consume me
They consume me...

I don't want to live
Without your presence
Don't want to laugh
When we're in pain
What lasted for a moment
Lasts now for a life-time

Its too hard to forget
But so hard to remember
A memory, a ghost of the past
That lingers...you linger...
In the songs that I sing, the words that I write
Your finger-print is on my deepest thoughts
Your influence guides my every action
You were, you are... or you were?
I can't separate you from now, from then, from... always and ever
Forever... you are near.

Note: This is written just for the unexplainable emotions of trying to go on after losing someone you held very dear. Ever broken up with someone you'd been with for a long time, that knew you, that made you believe, someone that caused you to risk and to trust once again? Nanny (my grandmother) was like that. She was so dear.

Sing A Love Song

Sing a love song

To my love

Sing it to the days that might have been

Sing a song of sadness

Remembering all the gladness

You have brought me to the end

I’ve held on now

For so long

But vision comes in stark reality

For years I’ve lived in silence

Relived this heart-sick madness

Now wave goodbye with dread finality

Cause that’s the way it has to be…

I buried you within my heart

So deep it doesn’t show

You’re locked up in a place that no one knows

I will always love you

So please remember me

You walk away with a part of me…

Sing a love song to my love

Sing it to the days that might have been

Sing a song of sadness

Remembering all the gladness

You have brought me to the end

Just A Little Bird

Were I just a little bird somewhere beneath Your sky

And I, I could only reach for You

With wings much too small to fly

Still You would ask the winds to bear me up

And reach down to me with careful hands

And with gladness fill my cup

Flying is a difficult art

Yet requires no physical skill

It requires only that you trust

And lay your life in the Father’s will

So lift me up above the stormy winds

Lift me up above my fears

Banish the night into the dawn

And wipe away my broken tears

Even when my heart is shattered

When I can’t tell dark from light

You still direct my footsteps

And chase away the night

No father could be wiser

More loving or wholly wise

When I learn to place my trust in You

And ignore the evil lies