Denied Truth

What I once denied
Has now been made true
What I was believed
Has been proven a lie
And what am I to learn from that?
What value am I to take away
That does not also rob me of my sanity?

Was there a time of vain conceit
When all the ills of the world could not damage love?
When I could love so much that love would never falter
And could over-come it all?

Was it foolish naivety to believe that anything was worth believing
That anything was worth trusting
And then having that faith shattered, trust broken
And my heart once more shattered into pieces at my feet?

I am old enough to know better
Wiser than what I had become
Now stripped eve of my dignity
Made the fool and the rebellious child
Who could not help but cling to the hand of one
Who was not father
Could never be
Who played the role, while resenting it in their heart
Knowing, but not knowing
Caring, but not enough
Seeing, but not acknowledging
Hiding instead of sharing

Should I die for what was not real
Or live for what is?
While a part of me has been stolen and sanctimoniously put to death
Another part still lives and fights to be free
A part of me fights against the pain and resolves to never love again
Or if I love, not to trust
Never to trust...not again

If I could cut away the part of me that still cares so much for you
Perhaps then that would be easier
Though it would leave our past irrevocably dead
But easy to let go of
Not clinging to me like a many clawed spider-web
That tears and rips and shreds at my soul

Love is not something I can deny
Nor is it something I can forget
So love you I will, and care for you in the only way I know how
Though your eyes will not see it
Your ears will not hear it
And only one sweet future day will it be fully known

Friendship was proven a liar
But compassion could never be
Where conflict and compassion dwell torn
Endlessly battling on another battlefield
Than the one we both knew

There are lies in your smile now
That did not exist before
There is hurt in your kindness
Where there used to be comfort
There is a wall... where once there was hope...

Forgive me... forgive me Father
For I sin
I sin in hating myself for what I could not control
For who I could not be
For what I never was
For what I held onto so tightly that I forced it away