The (occassionally) Forced Discipline of Writing/Journaling

I am physically forcing myself to sit down and write for God's sake - and I'm not swearing, I actually mean that pretty literally.  It's been a long time since I DID write down my feelings and thoughts in an open manner and I think that is a bad sign too.  Writing/journaling has always been cathartic for me and I think in some sort of feeble attempt to not dwell on the negative or stress over it, I haven't been doing it as much.  Great, so I haven't been using a natural, God-given antidote for the poison so that I don't have to think about it so much.  Well that's stupid!!  *major face palm*  Foolish me.  :p~~~

So often I find myself virtually screaming at God, "Please!  No more!  If You really know my limitations, then You know I can't take any more difficulty!  Please, just for once, can't you make things easy?"  Well....when did He ever promise that things would be easy?  In fact, He promised the opposite!  So I whine and moan about how hard my life is and He gives me countless reminders that He disciples those that He LOVES.  He disciples those who He has BIG plans for.  He disciplines those that He wants to GROW!  And really, in some sense, aren't all the difficulties associated with being a single-mom in some way my fault anyway??  I made a lot of mistakes.  I have repented for those sins and I know He has forgiven them.  But the consequences will always remain.  That doesn't mean that He won't, and hasn't already, redeemed things in my life.  He has performed miracle after miracle in my life.  Actually, the fact that I'm still alive at all, after all the dark paths my life took in past years and all the natural health emergencies in the more recent years, is a miracle in and of itself.  Sometimes in getting so tangled up in 'life' and my own anxieties I forget those beautiful miracles that He has provided over and over again... I never intend it, but it happens a lot more than I care to think about...

The reason I began this... 'blog/journal/message' with forcing myself to sit down and write "for God's sake" is because when I allow myself to get into a state where I cannot function normally, I'm of absolutely no use to God - at least not in the way He means for me to be.  Whether what I have been feeling lately is a result of unbalanced hormones (and quite honestly, I really do think that's a significant part of it, for a short while I had to take some lower-dose left-over pills for my thyroid because I couldn't afford the refill until end of last week - not good) or just... a deep sense of anxiety that I have always and WILL always struggle with, that's not the point.  The point is my response to the anxiety and to all the struggles and pressures that life throws at me.  If I really love God - and truly, deeply, honestly, I DO love Him very much, and if I also love my son - well... next to God, he is my deepest beloved - then I need to be more careful about taking care of myself (even if that means additional medication) and that includes finding a way to trust and function even when hormones or life-circumstances are in direct opposition to the peace that Jesus brings.  That's why His peace is SO amazing and gracious and merciful; because His peace is nothing like what the world gives.  And also because He gives so much more than we will ever comprehend or deserve in this life.

And honestly, some very strong spiritual warfare battling on my part (with the help of my dearly loved and appreciated friends who I will forever feel blessed to know) will not hurt at all.  That's what prayer is.  It's the unfathomable strength that makes wielding the sword of the Spirit possible, the power that flows into our spiritual muscles that gives our muscles momentum.  I believe very deeply that spiritual warfare is not only very real and under-acknowledged, but MUST be engaged in every day to ward off attacks and defeats.  A Christian can't function in a healthy way unless they are prepared and willing to fight.  So... why the heck haven't I been putting it into practice more?

There is a song that is very popular right now, I've recently discovered it myself and while at first I was drawn to the beat and the artist's unique vocal talents, once I started listening to the lyrics, I find it absolutely no coincidence that the discovery has been made right now.  No, I did not write it, but it is blessing me very much, so I'm just going to put a YouTube link to it here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xWBuWtC8MY

And, once again, no coincidence this came today:  http://faithinthenews.com/5-lies-enemy-tells-christians/

Poem from Writing Prompt

Note: Wrote this from a writing prompt from an online poetry group.  Its been quite a while since I wrote a poem, so I figured it was time and the prompt inspired me.  Going back to basic research, I'm working on reading through a poetry book right now.  I don't often do that, in fact when my first "reader" asked me if I read a lot of poetry the idea had not really occurred to me.  And its always a good idea to take inspiration from the true literary greats.

The smell of sun-baked wood beneath my fingers
Old dust dancing like pixie dust in the last beams of sunlight
As I stand there by the window
Staring out at nothing, staring out at everything
An empty lane in the country stretching out to the great unknown

I've no place to go, but everywhere to be
In my dreams, in my deepest dreams
And nowhere to travel where you will not be
Absent, yet forever present in my heart

I lay a hand against the windowpane as the skies begin to weep
And drop their tears against my hand
Heavy drops that trickle down my palm from the other side of the glass
Distorting their own shadows against my pale skin
Like stars fallen from a smoky sky
A reflection of a summer storm, a reflection of me

I lay my cheek against the glass feeling the heat of the day cool into evening
Cool with the rain's touch on the window's steaming face
Giving voice to its sorrow, giving name to its grief

The thunder rolls a heavy ripple inside the hollows of my chest
Reminds me of that last goodbye
I asked if I should live alone, or if it was easier to die
As parts of me were torn away like a rake through tender grass
And a stranger's face looked back at me from the spotted looking glass

Forever on and forever yet to be
The song returns ever and onward, echoes back to me
Yesterday's shadow, today's existence that still bleeds
Sadness like the tears of heaven, stars that cannot see

Selfish/Impatient Moment

Note: I had a selfish, impatient and highly frustrated moment today. LoL.  So rather than not allow myself to admit it, I decided it might make for an amusing little chorus - somehow I saw it as one of those little songs they have incorporated into a show-tune on Broadway.  'Mama said there'd be days like this', 'I was made for more than this.'  :p  It's just to be silly.  I've been singing to myself all day here in the 'office', or at least when the rangers and hosts weren't stopping in.  When I was a kid, I had such grand dreams.  I thought I'd be on a stage somewhere singing or on a movie set, or a rich and well-respected author.  Haven't gotten there yet - maybe never will - but sometimes its frustrating to look at where I wanted to be back then and realize that I'm....here. :p Here where nothing important happens and where there is very little meaning to the every-day tasks that I do.  Briton is worth it though - HE is important.  So, I'll just have to stuff it as I always do and be content with where God has placed me.  He always has His reasons even if He rarely deigns to communicate to us what they are.

 

 

 

I was made for more than this

More than sitting in an office

I was made for more than this

 

More than selling things, content just to wish

And while dreaming is good

Its not as good as real, not as alive as me

 

I've been told to be content, to be patient and to wait

From the time I was small, till I knew I'd never be tall

To accept what was and give up on what could be

 

But I was made for more than this

More than this!

More than this!

A Word From Him

Patience, darling

There is all the time you need to learn and grow

Ask your questions and I’ll tell you all you need to know

Not everything you want is what you truly need

The tallest trees began as a single, tiny seed

What seems perfect now may not be worth it in the end

Disappointments now are little wounds that I will mend

Don’t forget to smile

And remember once in a while

All that we have come through together thus far

I will not lead you wrong

As much as you like to sing

 I will give you a greater song

Sit tight and rest in knowing who I am



'The Order of Libra' - Brainstorm (REMOVED)

NOTE: The more I 'hatched' on this story and the corresponding world, the more complex and detailed it is becoming, so I've made the decision to take it down from the website for reasons of security.  If I ever end up using it as a vehicle for publication, I'd hate to see someone steal it.  Anyone who I know and trust and would care to read it can ask me and I'd be happy to oblige.  Honestly, I haven't been this prolific and inspired on a story idea or world for a VERY long time - probably since High School.  Thoughts, ideas, characters, language, and this rich world are just flowing through my brain in a way I dream about it happening.  Wouldn't it be amazing if this passion could be used someday not only to reach readers but to make a living? :) I guess there's nothing wrong with dreaming... God, would You be so good as to grant this wish from this Your lowly child?


Note: I have had Fan-Fiction writings from several different sources for many years (LOTR, Star Wars, X-Files,etc.) and currently I am attempting to transfer one such story concept/set of characters to a different, home-made world that I can actually potentially USE for publication.  Lately, this is the one I've been most focused on, though I go through periods with each.  I often have difficulty with this transformative process because with my writing the very LAST thing I want to do is create something that strongly resembles the story-line or world of someone else.  There's such a vast world of fiction in the world now that its hard to be original and write something that no one has ever done before.  Also, as prolific of a reader as I am, I am not nearly as far-reaching with my reading abilities as some and, as such, will often have people tell me, 'Oh, that's been done before.  It's just like ____.'  I don't want that, especially with this because I AM re-adapting the world and several characters from something that is pre-existing.  So.... bear with me here, this is a new attempt for me and I plan to do the very best that I can.  Also - this IS brain-storming, so there's been very little - if any - editing done to this yet, I'm just trying to get the ideas out as quickly and thoroughly as possible.  More will be fleshed out, re-worked, and addressed later.

Most names and titles are taken directly from the Latin, though there are a few other language references I will work in here, probably Greek and Roman.

Note 2: One other thing worth noting.  While some of the races, characters, and situations may seem 'juvenile' and geared towards that audience (which there is NOTHING) wrong with, because it is MY brain, there are also going to be some very intense and complicated adult subject matters too that will dominate the main story-line.  The 'cute' or 'funny' characters, scenes, and moments are good and I put them in there partly to balance the seriousness of the main subjects and partly just because... well, that's how my mind filters things naturally.  So... I do hope to add to and update this on a regular basis.  I spent over an hour this morning on the few paragraphs I'm posting now and didn't even TOUCH much of what I've been noodling for the past evening.