I am physically forcing myself to sit down and write for God's sake - and I'm not swearing, I actually mean that pretty literally. It's been a long time since I DID write down my feelings and thoughts in an open manner and I think that is a bad sign too. Writing/journaling has always been cathartic for me and I think in some sort of feeble attempt to not dwell on the negative or stress over it, I haven't been doing it as much. Great, so I haven't been using a natural, God-given antidote for the poison so that I don't have to think about it so much. Well that's stupid!! *major face palm* Foolish me. :p~~~
So often I find myself virtually screaming at God, "Please! No more! If You really know my limitations, then You know I can't take any more difficulty! Please, just for once, can't you make things easy?" Well....when did He ever promise that things would be easy? In fact, He promised the opposite! So I whine and moan about how hard my life is and He gives me countless reminders that He disciples those that He LOVES. He disciples those who He has BIG plans for. He disciplines those that He wants to GROW! And really, in some sense, aren't all the difficulties associated with being a single-mom in some way my fault anyway?? I made a lot of mistakes. I have repented for those sins and I know He has forgiven them. But the consequences will always remain. That doesn't mean that He won't, and hasn't already, redeemed things in my life. He has performed miracle after miracle in my life. Actually, the fact that I'm still alive at all, after all the dark paths my life took in past years and all the natural health emergencies in the more recent years, is a miracle in and of itself. Sometimes in getting so tangled up in 'life' and my own anxieties I forget those beautiful miracles that He has provided over and over again... I never intend it, but it happens a lot more than I care to think about...
The reason I began this... 'blog/journal/message' with forcing myself to sit down and write "for God's sake" is because when I allow myself to get into a state where I cannot function normally, I'm of absolutely no use to God - at least not in the way He means for me to be. Whether what I have been feeling lately is a result of unbalanced hormones (and quite honestly, I really do think that's a significant part of it, for a short while I had to take some lower-dose left-over pills for my thyroid because I couldn't afford the refill until end of last week - not good) or just... a deep sense of anxiety that I have always and WILL always struggle with, that's not the point. The point is my response to the anxiety and to all the struggles and pressures that life throws at me. If I really love God - and truly, deeply, honestly, I DO love Him very much, and if I also love my son - well... next to God, he is my deepest beloved - then I need to be more careful about taking care of myself (even if that means additional medication) and that includes finding a way to trust and function even when hormones or life-circumstances are in direct opposition to the peace that Jesus brings. That's why His peace is SO amazing and gracious and merciful; because His peace is nothing like what the world gives. And also because He gives so much more than we will ever comprehend or deserve in this life.
And honestly, some very strong spiritual warfare battling on my part (with the help of my dearly loved and appreciated friends who I will forever feel blessed to know) will not hurt at all. That's what prayer is. It's the unfathomable strength that makes wielding the sword of the Spirit possible, the power that flows into our spiritual muscles that gives our muscles momentum. I believe very deeply that spiritual warfare is not only very real and under-acknowledged, but MUST be engaged in every day to ward off attacks and defeats. A Christian can't function in a healthy way unless they are prepared and willing to fight. So... why the heck haven't I been putting it into practice more?
There is a song that is very popular right now, I've recently discovered it myself and while at first I was drawn to the beat and the artist's unique vocal talents, once I started listening to the lyrics, I find it absolutely no coincidence that the discovery has been made right now. No, I did not write it, but it is blessing me very much, so I'm just going to put a YouTube link to it here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xWBuWtC8MY
And, once again, no coincidence this came today: http://faithinthenews.com/5-lies-enemy-tells-christians/
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