Agony Of Soul

I conserve my deepest thoughts
The most sacred, oft' unintentionally sacrilegious fears
For no other ear but my own
So in my head, these voices they collide
They scream, they fight, they cry and sob
And they tear at my ears
Angry and fierce as the buzzing of bees trapped in a jar
I clutch at my temples and close my eyes tight to block out their noise
But they only grow louder.
Pounding like the sharp end of a pick-axe who tip only draws blood
But does not pierce my soul
Feeling like a blunt mallet that shatters the fragile glass casing of my soul

Butterflies fly free and beautiful
Brush my cheeks softly like fairy kisses
Knives slash my arms, but I cannot see
A dagger pierces through my heart
And yet.... yet I look down and see nothing
Nothing but my own imagination, a pale, empty breast
To pillow another's head
Someone takes my hand and holds it tightly, refusing to let go
Though I try desperately to shake them away
I refuse to meet their eyes, or even direct my gaze in their direction
They speak, but the words are garbled, distant and hollow
Like they are speaking through black water
Nothingness and every imaginable pressure warring and filling my tenders ears
And spurring on that sadistic war-drum in my brain
Its pounding fills all of my world, drowning out that friendly voice
With its soft message.
Only the wounded heart crying tears of blood can understand the need
Need to listen and to hear the one reaching out
But it is beaten into silence by its own vibrations, by its own utter weariness.
And so I cannot hear the one that holds my hand at all...

(I ask myself...) Where have you gone love? And where have you been?
Where do you think you will go in the end?
You stop and you start, like a many-wheeled rusty engine
You love and then you are torn down by it - love that cruel, tormentor of souls

Somewhere in my childhood, someone lied in saying that love is kind
That is strengthens and heals.
Love tortures, and it stings, and it taunts and torments and lies
It leaves you laying naked in the ashes too weak and lacerated to get up.
It kicks you while you are down and laughs in your face when you cry.
It was never anything more than a lie. A transient dream meant for lesser mortals
Innocent, idealistic, naive little girls who heads were never anywhere but in the clouds.

How I miss You wise sage of the sky
The voice that whispers to me still as I stumble and fall against a cold stone wall
You whisper, but just like my heart, the voice is drowned out by my own harsh breathing.
Where am I, and where are You?
And where are we going on this broken-down carousel marked destruction
An endless circle with a falsely cheerful calliope sound.
Like laughter in the rain, or a smile in the dark where no one can truly see

A discordant melody.

Written: April 21st, 2010