Traitor To Myself

I feel like a traitor to my own heart
To my own soul more like
To the very convictions and motivations that govern my actions
That surround my heart and usually protect it
When those convictions falter, they leave my heart exposed
To the harsh light of judgment that I myself create
A judgment that comes quite punishingly from walls that I recreate

What will be left in the end?
What part of me will remain when these battles lines have been drawn
When the battle has raged and passed its course
And the cleansing winds have blown away the dust and revealed their carnage?
It seems there is less left every time...
And I have not the strength to save myself
Or to get up again and prepare for another fight...

I'm not angry
Not really
I'm no longer beating my fists against the ground
And screaming at the sky
...
Could I appropriately call that progress??
Or more just a recognition of the different stages of this process
This cycle of mourning.
But what exactly am I mourning?
The passage of time?
The inevitable change that approaches and threatens
All that I treasure and hold dear...
What questions can I ask anymore that will truly find answers
That could possibly bring some measure of clarity to my befuddled mind?
There is no one to answer, really there never was
But there was company...
And that was something.
What words do I utter in darkness that will have any response or recourse
In the light?
And what is there, really, left to say?

Written: Sat., 04-10-2010