'Playing To My Strengths': Another Conversation With God (updated)

I once had a mentor.  Brilliant, Godly man.  Among many other things he tried to get through to me was his frustration that I have all this potential, but I don't act on it due to my own low self-image and reservations around people.  I understand his frustrations - still do.  And I still care about him very dearly.  But I think with irony of his frustration now in that this very next day after I've said my last goodbye's to him, I had this conversation with God that I will post below.

Just as background, I think I offended a friend yesterday, and I was trying to figure out why.  (I could be totally off-base and reading FAR too much into things, but even so, the point remains.)  Then I moved on from there to asking God what the next step is now - for the past year and a half or so I've been struggling with unemployment and have lost the last position I was at due to some health issues.  It all kind of ties together in my head, but it will never cease to amaze me how God breaks into my thoughts at times like these and how He talks to me - how He knows me SO WELL and knows EXACTLY what it is that needs said to re-direct my thinking.  I might also note that even as I'm typing here, I got my 'Daily Bible Quote' in my email Inbox, and it is Psalm 32:8.  "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye."  :) *Shakes head*

It's with that kind of awe and amazement that I post the conversation - and because if any of my writing DOES make it to publication, I'd like others to in some way understand what kind of personal, intuitive, loving, firm, infinitely wise and perfect God - and Counselor - that He is, even when it's hard to hear what He has to say.  Its ALWAYS worth listening.

So, on asking Him, 'So, what is the next step?' here's what He replied.

God: "Play to your strengths."

Me: Play to my strengths.  *sigh*  Well, we've been through this before, but - Okay, what ARE my strengths.  *pondering*

God: "You can communicate."

Me: 'Communicate?! I communicate with my friends, but they can't make decisions for me or always be there to tell me what to do.  With anyone else -- What for?  There's so few worth communicating with.  Getting close will only find them betraying or hurting me in the end.'

God: "No, that's what the world told you. That's what's made you jaded.  But when you really want to get a point across - particularly with the written word - you do, and you do it powerfully.  Uncommonly powerfully.  I put that in you."

Me: '...I guess I can sing a little.'

God: "You can."

Me: 'But there's a TON of others who sing just as well, and many better.'

God: "Ah, but sing AND communicate/write like you can?  THAT is a rare gift.  Use them.

You see my dear, you typically cope in one of two ways.  You either play the wounded/pity card, which worked well as a cute kid or even young adult."

Me: 'I'm not so cute anymore.  Not so sweet anymore either, at least not all the time.  But most of that emotion IS real...'

God: "*shrug* The emotion and wounding isn't bad, untruthful OR wrong, but if that's all you put behind it...even your friends can grow tired of it.  Especially when you combine it with your 2nd coping mechanism."

Me: '...'  (I know what He's referring to but don't like to say.   Unfortunately, He has no such reservations. *smile*)

God: "Defiance.  You put up a block.  A wall.  Pretend not to be affected or care too much.  THAT is both a lie AND an irritant to friends and strangers alike.  Its irritating and offensive to your friends because they WANT to love you when they know well enough when things affect you and you push them away when they step towards you.  (Like I did yesterday to my friend - long story.) To strangers... well, it's uninviting.  Certainly unwelcoming - as you mean it to be."

Me: '...so?'

God: SO - use-your-strengths.  Together.  That's the next step.  And you haven't mentioned another strength I've given you a particular proclivity for.

Me: (Again I stubbornly remain silent.)

God: "Your capacity to love.  And to feel.  To empathize.  Darling, if you can put that together with your ability to communicate - to EXPRESS - perhaps even with some singing - there is more power in THAT than in any other form of pity or defiance you could EVER evoke on your own.  THAT is your strength.  THAT is who you are.  In Me."

Me: '...And all of that inspired by fiction stories?  *smile*  Youth fiction, fantasy.  (My current favorites: 'The Hunger Games Series'/'Harry Potter'/'LOTR's Trilogies')  Wouldn't Cindy love that?  (Cindy is a not-so-high-on-fantasy friend.)  

God: *smiles back* "I use whatever I can."

Me: (the irony in that last is that I've said that myself so many times to Cindy.)

*shakes head*

So, building off of that, I guess my remaining question is:  HOW do I use that right now in my current situation?  I've been in this place SO MANY TIMES in the past nearly 2 years.  But I can't just stop looking for work and write!  I HAVE to have income coming in!  And even as I do write and combine that with the 'feeling/empathy/intuition/whatever', WHAT is it exactly that I should be writing?   And singing - while I take joy in the opportunities I do have right now - like yesterday's concert - those opportunities are STILL limited and its not under my control when and in what capacity I can do that in ministry...  WHAT exactly is God trying to tell me to DO with all of this???  Blog?  Other than heightening my own appreciation for God's wisdom (which I DO value and find great fascination and amusement in btw), how is that possibly helping ANYONE else?!  Urr!  And I KNOW this is not going to be one of those times where God is forthcoming with direct application.  That's really SO frustration!  Why does He seem to...withhold practical answers when I most need them?  *Sigh*  Again, that really DOES sound just like my former-mentor.  He pointed out some things to me, tried to help me organize my thinking, but he couldn't tell me what decisions to make or how to implement things... what, exactly, to DO with it all...  URRG!

********

(updated Tues., Nov. 26th, 1 day after initial posting)

Well... God just had His perfect "I told you so." moment. :) I just heard of a miracle that I had missed on Sunday till now - during that 'final farewell' to my former-mentor service - 2nd hour.  Maybe it was small to others, but to ME...  Praise God!  Just  learned that there were some attendees at that service that I thought it would take a MIRACLE to see... but it happened.  It happened, in some very small part I think, because God made me speak on my feelings and intuitions and invite them - put two of those 'strengths' together as He was telling me.  While I take NO personal credit for that (I couldn't - I myself was questioning whether or not it had been a mistake to do so up till  now), it -- Well, I say through grateful tears that it feels like I was able to GIVE something now to someone I care about very deeply, when I hadn't otherwise been able to do so.  Indirect, and perhaps never known to that person, but... God made it happen.  I am SO thankful!

I must now admit how difficult I've been finding it to prepare my heart for Thanksgiving this year... Thanksgiving is 2 days away and I hadn't even realized how difficult its been myself until now.  Just because of current circumstances and... well, a LOT of things...  But if nothing else could have prepared me - THIS I think takes me to a level of thankfulness I needed where nothing else could have.  Thank you Jesus!  Praise the Lord, Hallelujah!