Will Never Be/'Dear Gabe'

Author's Note: I... don't know the last time I've had this much trouble writing something, and I say that because this poem - song - whatever you come to call it is directly connected to what my next post will be, entitled, 'Dear Gabe'.  In fact, this post may not make much sense at all without reading the latter... And maybe that's just me - my  own attempt at subterfuge, to make it more difficult to understand...less harsh, but no less true.  I don't know.  What I DO know is that these words, and this next letter ('Dear Gabe') have taken years to emerge from my consciousness and make it onto a page.  Whatever they're worth, to me or to anyone else who might happen across them, I can't even ascertain that.  I only know that somehow, in the same way as others might draw a picture or sing a song, through my own written word is the only way some stories are able to be told...

(As much as I've been thinking about it for the past few weeks, I haven't had time to finish the next letter 'Dear Gabe' yet and sit down to write it all up.  I hope to do that this weekend.)

Will Never Be

 I am falling

Falling

Falling apart and on my knees

In the mirror

This stranger with my face

Recklessly marked with tragedy

You remind me again who you are

Broken skies have flown apart before

Locked away the pieces of my heart

Time you can't tell me just where to start

When was the first time you walked away
With my heart?

I look around

Then close my eyes

Where did the truth diverge from lies?

Where is hope hidden behind these eyes?

Where does this page turn

And the next one begin?

***

You don't have to tell me

You've been near all this time

I know it because I'm alive

Just invisible in my need

No greater tragedy

If I just would have turned to You

And entered Your arms

Things wouldn't have been so hard

Or maybe just less lonely

Misery was a pauper

Out walking on my own

If only I'd known

Just how far I'd flown

Just how hard the shards of my heart had grown

And caught in the middle of my strategy

Were angry rantings and misery

How long would it take

Before I could break completely?

There wasn't much of me left to spare

Nor would I have dared 

To care had You tried

***

But what had grown

Had graciously flown

Back where it belonged

And now worlds away

All I can say...

Is where are you angel?

 Where is the laughter?

Where are the tears?

Where has your voice gone

Through all of these years?

Two hands and two eyes

Two lives intertwined

Desperately dependent on being three

But lost because of me

I had forgotten you

It was the easier thing that I could do

Just to get through

What life might have looked like

Through yet-unformed eyes

Was too tragic and dark

Too bitter and stark

For me to subject you to

Now I see you in others tears

I look back in time through all these years

The gift that you were

The miracle that I should have clung to

How can they forgive

What they just don't know?

And I can never tell them so

***

Father forgive me

For neglecting this mercy

That he would never come to be

I just haven't been able to see

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