Hollow
Emptied out of all but
This growing void that aches for reprieve
Fighting to hold on
Clenching your teeth in defiance
As though the will(determination) will make you stronger
And not the desire
A clenched fist that makes you tremble
A symbol of all of the fight
That you have left in you
Just to prove that there is something left there
To fight for
Refusing to let them see
The frightened child that is in me
Fearing disgust with no real reason
For the expectation
Knowing in part the revulsion
Unspoken or unacknowledged
Not knowing how long or how much
It would take to come back
Or where exactly we would come back to
A cold face He turned
A silence more ringing than screaming
From the dark
Said too much? Perhaps
Said too little? He would forget
But He would forget anyway
Too much or too little
Taken away
Why such a trigger for pain to cry out
Not to feel, but to express
Turning minutes into miles
Weeks into life-times
This is all I have left
Hollow, hollow
Hollow words on a blank page
Devoid of any emotion but for the impersonal, typed digits
Somehow distanced by their own use
By their convenience
By their repetition
Their similarity to every other letter
Every other phrase
Every other alphabet
A language all use
...But only one voice can know
Only one can interpret
Only one can watch die...
Into a word we call 'meaningless'
Changing nothing and doing nothing
Just ink splotches on a page
Only one who is fading quickly
And a distant, confusing higher being
Where have you gone
Edge of strength
Oh mighty hope for new cheer?
You desert me in my hour of need
With the wolves howling and scratching at my door
And a babe asleep in my arms.
Tear me apart, but leave my dreams
Hanging on the doorstep
Forget me, but never forget the light
That has always brightened my step
Whose love created the strength that coursed through my veins
Now dries me out like a cast-off husk
Rung out like a used bed-sheet
Soiled, blackened, and charred
Defeat was never an option
But is a reality
In some solemn circles
An inevitability
Curse you
Oh weakness of old
That never quite left me
But left me alone
Where are you now, you lost ray of hope
To brighten the solitary countenance
A streetlamp on an unmarked, boundless street
Full only of itself - it's own emptiness
Disregard its consuming disease
To any bystander chancing to pass by
Disregard a kindness
Its only acknowledgment
Too full of its own importance are they
Or... are we?
You, myself, and I
And our cradled, coveted sadness
Jealously guarding the doors of our spirits
Like Cerberus the gateway of Hades
Cold is the light
Revealing the pale skin
The triumph that once was
Now pieced together by fraying stitches
That beg to be torn apart
Hollow, hollow
This is all I know
All I know to do to assuage your implosion
To allay your tears
To bottle them back up and swallow their release
To stifle the breath
That long since ceased to be
An extension of me
Brilliant they say
And they love to see such eloquence
Such passion on a page
Encouragement, ah, I sneer in disgust
At myself, for what they cannot see
Much less grand than they
They so much more tolerant
Of what I must be
What I have been, now and then
How much more they want
Because in their eyes they see
Something that I cannot
Blindness makes for an enchanting friend
Covers up ugliness
But hides the warmth
Your arrogance I greatly disdain
And yet You are there
As bile rises in my throat
And I know that my ramblings are wrong
That they are vomited out as a desperate recourse
For what I cannot define or explain
What I cannot control, abuse or obtain
But abuses, controls, and contains me
And love
So full of promises that it cannot keep
But it is vital, and strong, and alive
A love that I draw on and define as myself
To charge me to write and to scribe
To maintain a sanity I am far from feeling
To resurrect and come alive!!
I take in a breath
To try to gain calm
I've loved too much, the voice says
Whose voice?
Whose panic?
And what choice?
What choice there is left is limp and completely foreign
A viable option no more
Love you hurt more deeply than dying
Your torment sweeter than pain
But too much of you is a poison I cannot escape
That will destroy me, I think, in the end
Love you have already alienated me
To the grief and despair
Of losing those I hold most dear
How clueless and vain they must be
Or *I* must be?
Totally caught unaware
You have polluted what once we had
I did not recognize it then
And I do not recognize it now
Curse you
Curse you!
You lying adder, forked tongue between your teeth!
Keep your snake's wisdom, your treacherous lies
And your filthy despair to yourself!
What is born of tomorrow
Is not your to claim!
It is not your right, or by your name!
But what is left of tomorrow
If it is a residue of today?
The cast-off and forgotten of yesterday's hopes
The dreams of a fool
And the shy wanderings of an incompetent mind?
What is left in the dark
Of this pain-clouded day
The murky remnants of an aggrieved mind
...Does innocence die as thoroughly
The second time around?
I guess if not, then it is a death for another day
In some long forgotten, lone dream
The unfocused daydream becomes
A reality too harsh to bear
Brilliant? Hmph.
What is brilliance to do with doubt
Or fear to do with trust?
Yet they trust
And they love
And time, and its Maker have not forgotten them
Perhaps then, in their faith lies more truth
And more hope
I will not see my way out of this
Or feel my way out of this
Or write my way out of this
...
In the dark I hear that abused
Disconsolate baby crying...
And I wonder whose breath she borrows
And if she is better left dying...
And where did You go?
You promised me truth
But You did not promise me armor thick enough
To take the arrow most sharp
That are clutched tightly in my own hand
You promised me comfort
But You have hidden it beneath too many barriers
You promised to tear down walls
But more are erected with every uncertainty
And like a parrot will mimic its Master
That too was filtered through
I felt love
Only to have it strangle me
And leave me dangling by my hair
Impossibly upside-down on a high-rise called life
Called obligation
Called 'no time'
Are you really as dis tractable as the sheep you love themselves?
I despise the question and what compels me to say it
The expressing is uncontrollable and cannot be stopped
A part of me lies in hope and in expectation...
The other lies grimacing in illogical anger...
Where did this come from?
Doomed to a pauper's fate
The fate of the forgotten...
You hold me
But let me go
Comfort, then oppress
With Your purging,
There will not be enough left of me to define
To even know from where I came
How can You remake a child you love
Into another, yet love them the same?
Who am I to You???
Who am I to...anything...
Just fragments of self
Scattered pieces in a glass jar
Hoping that the fragile glass will not break
-Kaylie
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