Transparency

Transparency

~Former self

How cold and deserted you seem

Willfully detached

Refusing to look or turn

Towards what could bear your soul

Numb, but lifeless

And despite all the warmth and life

Breathed into these weary bones since then

Still

Still, you are so drawing to me

Wrapped up in blankets of forgetfulness

Still resistance, repression you would make your shroud

Clouds can cloak many things

But not when the sun's golden rays are compelled to break through

Before we've seen through the clouds as a screen

(I also a somewhat perplexed observer)

The light filtered as through a filmy shade

Yet no more curtains God, You bid me

Allow You to come through clean

Why am I so afraid to pull back these last few shades?

.....

~Looking up

I who remember much

But whose mind retains so little

How hypocritical I must be

To trust for today and tomorrow

Yet refuse to allow You yesterday

.....

~Former Self

I despise what I was then (you)

And still despise that part of me that continues to be

Linked to you

You will not leave me

And I long to be free of you

Yet I look down and find my knuckles white

Somehow still clinging tightly to your frayed edges

.....

~Looking up

God, I've trusted You blindly with the future and circumstance

As such trust must be

But You did not leave me without a history of examples

Your faithfulness through all that's gone before

So why now, with all that has gone before as proof

Now further strengthened by new miracles

Do I hesitate?

.....

~Former Self

I will NOT give in to this

I will not let go of You

I will not forget You, nor will I ignore what is coming

Emerging from the foggy past

As a ghost-ship's prow cuts through the water

I will not allow this oppressively stubborn past-self

Re-surface and drown You out again.

Crosses You have given me grow heavy

With the weight I myself impose.

.....

Written: Dec. 1st, 2009'