* * *
I feel as though I slowly spin
In my small sphere of humanity
My existence focused somewhere in the
vastness
Of limitless space.
I cannot begin to understand what makes the planets turn,
The earth evolve and the air breathable;
Nor the consistence of the passage of time
Life-times to me, moments to You
And yet, with all that infinance
Occurrences I cannot possibly imagine,
Understanding I cannot hope to obtain, nor do I want to
...You still care so much about my little breath
of life
You count it precious.
* * *
Wheeling above in pearl-gray skies
I observe from a distance the sweeping winds that blow
Like a solitary bird witnessing its own demise
In a time long-past, or so it seems
Its death, burial, and re-awakening
Its renewal, as a phoenix might rise
On the wings of the misty dawn above the sea
Watching the storm form in a distant cloudv
That steadily creeps closer mimicking the turbulent waves
The waters of the sea below, above...the sea, the sky
Eternally seeming the same
Endless and yet encapsulated in moments
Time
Here, past, future, and back again
Instead of letting go to blow in the wind
The storm will release its fury
It's white light will flicker all around
But here on the current woven by Your hand
I will not be shaken
* * *
I am like a raindrop
Weighted down by my own importance
Locked as my own individual entity
Trickling down a window
But only one among a thousand others
The storm cast its ghostly flicker, the silent white before its howl
How long did I take comfort in its unbridled anger
In the danger that rippled on its electric currents?
The fear made the deadened part of me feel alive.
It dulled the pain into numbness.
A desperate attempt to distract my mind from what I would not face,
Desperation that bordered on hysterics.
And I was alone in my suffering.
You were never more than a breath away,
Yet I raised up a barrier of pain, keeping You at a distance
Illogically fearing You were its catalyst
That you would despise me for not being what everyone else
Tried to force me to be
I tried to force You away, yet You never completely left
I fought to stay above my turbulent circumstance
But too often drowned in the deepening flood
I tried to kill the anger inside
By destroying what my world had become outside
I hated who I had always been
Even more I hated what I had become.
Enslaved to a life of grief I wanted only to abandon
Unable to reach the goals of what I wanted to become
I wanted to fly
But was using tattered wings weighted down by chains of despair
Helplessly buffeted by diverging winds
Torn apart by what was labeled 'right',
But had brought nothing but grief
And what was called 'wrong',
That brought relief on the surface
But more pain underneath.
I believed that You had robbed me of justice
When You had reached beyond justice for me
And would do so many times again.
Justice had ultimately been disrupted by mercy
And thus forever confused in my mind
My human, complicated, but too-simple mind.
So, twisted and torn I waged my own internal battle with You
I hissed and screamed and cried
Throwing curses to the sky whose sharp edges cut my own soul.
Like a wounded animal dumbly, stubbornly lashing out
At the only one willing, and able, to save it
Till in the ashes where I lay
Sodden from the inky remains,
From the potential I had utterly conflagrated and burned
You approached me
Helplessly I stared up beyond the clouds
And beyond what I had feared would rain more lightning
It was not until on my back in my reeking heap
That I could look my disfigured shame in the face
And see Your hand reaching down to meet it
And from my ruin you drew me
Like the faintest fragment of diamond
From the refuge of coal
A master-crafter whose care was of limitless patience
Who knew where this journey had begun, breathed the first breath
Knew each paragraph of every page
And sees its finish, at the close of some distant day
You awakened me from the death of my soul
The disease of despair
As you took in my bruises and scrapes
The damage of a life of broken dreams, idle hopes
Wrong decisions and willingly inflicted lacerations of the soul
Your hand carefully brushed away the smudges from my face
And saw the child, Your child, beneath
Looking up in fearful surrenderv
And You smiled
'Now,' I could almost hear You say
'You are ready.'
It was as though you raised my spirit from the broken shell
That had once been my hiding place
It was permeable, pitted with cracks and dents
But it had locked me tight against Your control
You raised me up from that solitary darkness
And into a much greater light
I could still hear the wind whistle
And I knew the worst would still come despite Your presence
But I would not face it alone.
Not alone again.
The thunder smashed against the windows like a living hand
The lightnings edge was razor sharp
And there was the fear, the desperation to pull and threaten to overwhelm
But You, my anchor, my preserver, held firm
I still cried out and screamed
But for deliverance, not in defiance
And as much as I kicked and fought
You held tighter still
Gentle instead of demanding Your voice quieted the waves
And the howls of the wind were as distant lullabies
Suddenly powerless to drown out Your voice...
Walking as light as breeze
Over a sea that surged
Yet beneath me it was still and merely rippled with our passing
You held my hand for every first step
And every step was the first
Yet still further on towards the other side
In time, the pain brought only clarity
And though difficult to interpret on the outside
It was truth none-the-less that spanned the impasse of understanding
That I sorely needed
Looking around, I saw a sea of blessing
Like flowers finally blooming
Where hope had seeded and begun to blossom
What had begun and evolved as a mighty storm
Vanished into a spring rain
Healing though my body died
Strengthening my spirit while my body was weak
Still more I know I must endure
The sun will be cooled by shadows
And the gathering dark will deepen
Storms will surge still more wildly
But here... Here I will remain
Safe, though constantly changing
In the Creator's hands...
* * *
Circling quietly above
As the sun departs and moon has not yet risen
The last of this storm is passing
Sighs and melts into the sea...
Jan. 2009'
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